I Made A Mistake
I did something wrong. I knew I shouldn't but I did. Though I can't shirk the blame, but it was indeed under circumstances that I could not bear that I did it. Things are bad. I tried to put things right. I said sorry. I tried explaining. But they weren't heard.And I also know that this is not the freaking first time. Kinda disappointed with myself that it happened again. Actually, I'm really thankful that for the previous time it happened, I was forgiven and everything was put right, although a little skewed. Why did I have to screw up again man...I swear if you knew what was going on inside me, you'll have thought differently. But I know I can't expect much. Since I screwed up again.Sometimes I really hate myself. For being who I am all this time. But each time I try to get straighten, I always get pushed off course again. I hate the environment I'm in. But I know I have to be responsible for what I'd done.Then again, sometimes I wish I could just die. So I don't have to face all these tough situations, those difficult emotions, those criticisms and jeer. I do hope a car speeds towards me on the road one day and knock me down and dead so I don't have to worry about all these crap any longer.Why do people only learn to regret when they have lost something? Why don't we ever learn?If only I can do all these all over again. I tried to understand myself better. I tried to understand the environment better. I tried to understand the people better. Made some relevations, and changed some thinking.If I were to say I've changed now, would you believe me? Would I be given another chance?What about I swear I've changed, that I would not allow myself to screw up again? Would you then believe me?Much as I want the answer to be a "Yes", I got a terrible feeling it's otherwise. Well, who asked me to screw up so many times... Who asked me to be so dumb... Who asked me to be so weak...
mE posted at 8:45 PM
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