Water Planet

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Reflecting

Have been thinking about this question for some time le.

“Have I been a good CI?”

After passing out from J06 last year, I told myself that I want to be a good Cadet Inspector, one that value adds to the unit, one that will make a difference.

I can safely say that I have always been giving my best in NP, until come this year…

Actually, sometimes I really think I have been a bad CI. I remember early this year, during the CCA Orientation. The planning that the Coordinator had did and the progress of the work were unsatisfactory to me, given that all preparations only started one day before the Orientation.
Time was running out, things were not ready, in fact, it looked pretty awful to me…high expectations I guess… But anyway, I suddenly shouted out at the Coordinator, Benjamin.
I can’t exactly remember what I said to him, but I know I scolded him real badly. And he cried. At that point of time, I thought that was what I should do, get him back on track… But little did I know, this was a terrible mistake.
Thinking back now, I really regret scolding that Coordinator that day. Why didn’t I took a step back and see how much effort he actually put into getting everything going? Why did I not realize his sincerity and commitment in wanting to make things happen? Why is it that I only know how to scold people?
Seriously, I should not have scolded him. I’m sure there are other things that I can do to get things moving faster. Like motivating him, or bringing him aside to recollect him, or even give him a hand! Why was I so rash?

I failed to see that a CI is only there to guide. I failed to see that the NCOs are the ones running the show. They need to make mistakes to learn. I was such a perfectionist that I disallowed a single mistake, but ended up making the mistakes myself. I berated the NCOs for things that they could not do and took away their charge of the squad on the pretext that the Sec3s had an urgent upcoming promotion test.
Now, how would I feel if I were in their shoes? Yeah, what I said then may be true - the NCOs are not putting in enough effort, they are not doing what they ought to be.
Now then I realize what I should really do at that time, and that is to bring the NCOs back on track and to allow them the opportunity to direct the squads on the track also.

I have always been serious in NP. People say my face and glares are enough to send shivers down their spines.
Also, I scolded a lot. I was too stern with them I guess. A CI is not there to just scold and scold and scold…but all I wanted to see was results.
Ms Fauziah even told me that I had a complaint…that I “struck fear in the cadets”. Yeah…those were the exact words she said. I remember clearly because I was very disappointed then.

In all my effort to do a good job out of it, I made a fool of myself.

What the heck is wrong with me?

I wonder if people have noticed, but I think I have changed in NP.

I used to be able to go to parades after a bad day in school feeling very differently. Like I was a different person, taking on a very different role. I would give my 100% in whatever I did there.
But of late, I’m no longer the same.

Obvious mistakes I cannot even see. I can’t even make quick and decisive decisions like I used to. Sometimes I don’t even know what to do. I wonder what is wrong with me. Where is that flame of passion that used to burn so strongly?
I’m getting more and more disappointed with myself in NP now.
Feel that what I can do is getting limited.

I think I’m letting the environment affect me.
The unit has a combined officers strength of 4 Teacher Officer, 2 Honorary Officers, and 5 Cadet Inspectors. That is a grand total of 11 officers.
But, the OC is weak and sometimes complacent, Ms Fauziah is too busy for NP as she had been appointed HOD Discipline, the other two teacher officers are newbies who know hardly anything.
One of the HO is missing in action due to overload of work in university. As a uni student, the other can only afford to come down occasionally and she is limited in hard skills and training.
One of the CI is busy with his third year academics in poly, complete with industrial attachment and final year project. The other is almost always busy for NP matters that it is also rare that we get to meet up as friends. A WCI is doing what she can and is learning along the way as she’s new, but the other WCI seems on the verge of giving up due to unhandled stress in her first year in poly.

It is really hard to keep tertiary officers committed to the corps and progress in the unit, especially if more than half are losing their interest. I find it no point in drilling any more sense…to each his own. Neither do I have any rights to do that.

But I dare to say that I have been continuing my efforts throughout my term without break till now. But it’s really tough working alone. I know that this cannot be an excuse for me being a lousy CI. But I know I have tried and given my best.
I guess I’m tired. I really am. Hardly do I have enough energy to stay on track for school work already; it is even exhausting to assume my responsibilities in the unit.
Just take this year’s NCO Modular Course for example. I planned the entire course myself. Sort out the details and content myself. Probably with a little comment from the other CIs I should not miss, but I also typed and made the entire NCO Course Manual within a night by myself… I’m just trying to say that I have put in my effort.
And guess what’s in for me on the first day of the course….I’m the only instructor conducting! Seriously. Conducting an NCO Course with only one CI, who has ever heard of that? But then again, the others are busy or so they say.

I’m really exhausted.

Sometimes I remind myself that I am in a Junior College and we in JCs have only 2 years. It so happens that this is my final year and I am taking the A’Levels this year… It is less than 156 days away from today. And I’m not even a quarter way prepared for my mid-years! Don’t forget, I almost got retained the previous year.
I know that I need to prioritize. As a matter of fact, I should formally pass out at last Wednesday’s POP. But I did not…
Although no way am I a good CI, I can’t let go of NP business just like that without anyone properly taking care of things later. Not that I am indispensable, cos I’m not. But I just thought that I should see more hands helping in the unit. But I seriously need to let go soon…

Say, after August. Probably I should make a promise to myself to let things go by August. Still, I’m think it’s a little late…but can’t be helped.
I must spend my remaining 3 months with the unit productively. I shall make use of these three months to guide and mentor my NCOs to be capable leaders. I shall make use of these three months to be the good Cadet Inspector that I have always wanted to be.

I am a bad CI
As well as a lousy friend…

mE posted at 10:59 PM