Water Planet

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I'm Hating This

I've got nothing to do now. Not exactly nothing to do lah, but rather...got a break and I don't feel like doing anything else.

Think I'm feelin pretty stressed these days. Feeling very tired as well. As if walking the next step would make me half dead. ...Nah. just exaggerating.
Everybody is busy...not just me. That I know. But I still can't help thinking that I'm the most occupied person. Lolx.

(You can choose not to read the next chunk, I'm just venting a little. Toxic for anti-emos...
PS: Reading it would also paint a worse picture of me...don't read it if you don't want to...)

Haix.
This whole college thing is taking a toll on me. I think I really hate college life. It is not what I wanted it to be. Apart from being busy and stuff...those lectures and tutorials, tests ane exams... Actually, it's not like I can't handle them. I've dealt with such stuff before, and I'm absolutely sure I can do it again.

I just don't like ME being positioned in the way I am now in school.
Everytime I walk into school. I feel that I'm a different me. Not my true self. I always sit at the same table in the morning to meet the only people I really know in the entire school. Yeah. I think besides the first 15minutes before school each day, everything sucks.
There were times when I can be in the school for a good 11 hours and the only two person I would have spoken to would be Yaoxian (thanks there) and the Deli Inn Vendor.
That'e they way it is.

I walk around in school not knowing anyone, almost. Because of timetable and subject clashes, I don't even know how many people there are in my class!
What I hate most is break time. It is ironic how I wish time spent in lesson would fly, but finally when break time comes, I want it to end even sooner.
I used to have people calling me during break time to meet for meals and go to the library and such... Now it's just me and going solo. I'm not afraid to admit that I sit absolutely alone during lunch nowadays. I know what a loser that sounds, even I can't help but agree. But do you know how it feels when you can only stare down at your food and gorge it down? Cos' you don't even want to look up at the bunch of friends around you who are laughing and horsing around. It just makes you feel worse. Somtimes I just skip lunch altogether, at least that's easier.

It's worse at those moments when you have only like ten minutes to your next class. There's absolutely no time to sit down to chart in some studying or homework. Neither is there for a meal. But this short ten minutes just seem so long. I would be walking around the school grounds for that 10 minutes and it makes the school seem so small. Doing absolutely nothing, just walking around alone..how's that? And it's not as if the school is all that beautiful.

There are occasions when you feel funny looking at everything going on. Now I hate it when I see people gathering around laughing and smiling and chatting. I hate it even more when I see people going around in the college with someone. I know it's just me. But I really can't help feeling that way.

So many times I had to walk into a lecture theatre, and have to find a seat. And yes, A seat. It's amaxingly difficult how that is. Cos first of all, you can't sit at the rows when the entire class would be sitting at. You can't cross the boundaries of the Dragonboat cliques and such, and then you have people having seats reserving for their friends.
But at least I always managed to find one before lectures starts. It feels funny again, attending lecture with people sitting beside you that you even have not seen before. You can't turn to someone and laugh off when the lecturer cracks a silly joke. You can't borrow an eraser when you forgot yours. Haix...I just hate it lah.

I'm really sounding like a huge loser now. Besides Yaoxian and Osborne, I hardly know anybody. Not that I don't want to try lor...haix anyway.
Sometimes, I would be looking forward to bumping into them...funny.
It's was great to be able to really laugh off one of Yaoxian's joke and crap big time. And it's the nice familiar feeling of chatting with Borne that makes it a little better.
But then sometimes, I rather not see them at all. Their seeing me being such a loser makes things even worse.

Haix.Things just aren't the same anymore.
Why do people only come to regret when they have lost it?
Why is it that some things when lost, don't seem to come back anymore?

mE posted at 8:32 AM