Water Planet

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Is That Still Home?

If my persistence has bothered you a great deal. I'm sorry.
It's just that I do not know where else to turn to.

I'm trampled. But I can't say I'm beaten.
I'm exhausted. But I can't just give up.
I'm tired. But I can't sleep forever.

Sometimes, when I go to people's house,
I see their family portraits, photo albums, and those pictures that they proudly display around the house.
Sometimes, when I hear the way people address their family,
They almost always sound so intimate; you can almost detect traces of love in them.
Sometimes, when I see a family walking along the streets, sharing chatters and laughter,
Unknowingly, I would start to smile.
These are precious moments that I can only watch with envy.

I do not remember ever seeing a picture with all my family members in it.
It's not that I have any missing member,
I have never addressed my father ever since I was nine.
I simply hate him.
The last time my whole family went out was probably...
I really can't remember.

A few days ago, I fought again. I will not tolerate anybody hitting me without retaliating. My “father” punched me. I pushed him back. I would have did more had my brothers not pulled him away.
In a span of approximately 5 days, I have abstained several wounds. Superficial as they were, its pain was not worth mentioning. What drove me thinking was how I could possibly get injured in my home? It was my own home. Supposedly the place where I belong. The following days, I had been leaving home early in the morning before anybody else was awakened. I will not go home before 12.00am, not before my mother comes home.

This is not the first and I bet it isn't the last.
Each time I go to sleep at night. I will lock my door and window, no matter how stuffy it would be.
I will not step out of my door if I can help it.
I brought bread and water into my room to last me.
Then I asked myself again.
Can I call this my home?

Two days ago.
I pretended school was still on. I took the morning bus to school and sat in the library. Then I pretended school ended and walked out of the school.
I did not take a bus back. It would mean that I would reach home sooner.
Instead, I walked. It took 45mins. But it was too short for me.
When I neared my block. I did not want to go home. I wandered around. Aimlessly. I walked from late afternoon till night. I was really tired.
But I can't go home. I did not want to either.
Time was crawling.

Then I constantly checked my phone. Hoping someone would send me a message or something. I need to be distracted. It was a long wait. Then I couldn't stand it.
Despite how imposing it was. I messaged the people that I could think of. Instead, I received disappointments.
I'm sorry
I thought I needed a little help.
I desperately wanted to talk to another familiar human being.
To convince myself that I am not alone.
But I guess I would have to take care of it myself.

So now. Where do I belong?

Can I not go home?

mE posted at 9:57 PM