Water Planet

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I'm Tired

I’m so tired. Really very tired.
Not enough sleep.
Too much work.
Busy school life.
And the list goes on till it reaches…
I’m sick of life.

Something is going wrong. I am very certain, though others claim otherwise. For the people who do not know, my priorities do not include family as home is only a place where I go back each night to sleep. As such, the bulk of my life revolves round three things. Studies, NP, and my friends.

The people around me are so......not right. I can’t find a proper word to best describe it. Probably everybody is busy? Busy with life, busy with work and busy with god knows whatever that goes on in their lives. Probably people are changing? A shift in priorities, or maybe change in attitudes? I do not know, but I really hope these are not the excuses and they are utterly invalid.

Seriously. I know something is wrong. It definitely ain’t me thinking too much. I’m gonna be perfectly honest here. If not, I would suffocate with all these bottled in me.

One of whom I had used to hanged out with so closely is really acting like a bastard now. Seemingly so busy with whatever he claims. Regardless of the concessions and compromise that I had made, I still think he failed me. And now, I’m beginning to feel like a tool which he may conveniently pick up and easily dispose after use. Hello! I detest being made use of and I would never allow that to happen! Get that clear now. If I have to get mean and nasty I will. Don’t try me. Just can’t stand people puppeting me. And to think I had regarded you as a friend. Shame.

The other one, I feel pretty guilty towards. Since Sec 1 I think, we hit it off pretty well and he had been a great buddy to me through the years. I remember how he was pretty much the only one who could stand my “evil aura” and talked to me about “you know who” when no one else would risk it. He had also helped me out on several occasions in school and outside. Even presently in college, whenever we sit down to talk, we can still seemingly continue comfortably as though from where we left off previously. Well, I feel kind of guilty not having recognized his sincerity and loyalty before… Aren’t I glad that things are still going pretty well for us now? Haha.

Well, next one I’m gonna talk about is probably a big deal. Never had I met someone within a short span of a few months and decided that he was going to be one of my best buds. Indeed, things were great. Really fantastic.
But just a little divulge here that I hadn’t told anyone before. I had some holding backs when I was deciding to have him as a close bud. I had a fear within me. A year back, someone who had gained my trust as a really good friend kind of fell out with me. Ever since then, so much had happened. And till now, I will always have a thought of precaution in me: Do I really have the affinity and such good fortune to be able to have a really good friend?
However, I had decided against it and went ahead having fun with my new friend found.
Yeah. Things were great. And I can’t emphasize more on “were”. I have a really strong conviction that things are definitely going wrong. I feel that a distance now exists between us. And I feel than I do not know him more and more. Sometimes, things may be so bad that I feel so unfamiliar with him. I also sense that the things we do now feel so forced and obliged. Also, he does not seem to know me that well either as compared to the impression he gave me before. This is one big time when I hope that my intuition is wrong, that my intuition is just a huge mistake and that I’m really thinking too much.
Or have there been a change? Change in priorities? Change in attitude? Or simply busy? Or are those merely excuses?
I had been looking for some affirmation. Tried to talk, but didn’t think it worked for me. It is me or is there really something wrong. I need an answer. Tried to test it out myself, hoping to prove my hypothesis wrong, but sad to say, everything seems to show otherwise. I really need an answer.

mE posted at 9:57 AM