Water Planet

Friday, June 30, 2006

Pissed

I'm so vexed. Got this feeling last night after reading some blog entries. Actually I some sort of had a spark of that emotion sometime ago already, but just caught it again real hard yesterday.

Realized that there were so many things happening around me that I was unaware of, some even playing right before my eyes! Looking back on the four years behind me, what have I done?
I'd grown, I'd fell, I'd learned, I'd normed, I'd stormed, and I'd changed.

Change – an inevitable process that’s meant to infiltrate our lives, most of the time occurring because of the events you experience and the people around you. Or is it just a convenient excuse that we often use to get our butt all safe and well.

Remember last year, when I used to say this often: “There is a huge conspiracy going on"…

There were times when things were great. Everything felt so in place and it just felt wonderful being alive on this planet. I missed those times. Somehow or rather, such memories are only meant for reminiscing, can't really bring them back now. Things screwed up. People who had been with me for those four years of secondary school should know what I'm talking about. So many turbulent events and stuff... went through so much. Don't really feel like bringing them up again.

I stepped into this year with expectance of such events, but not to the present extent. I knew all these would take place, somehow or rather; it doesn't take an Einstein to figure it out. But somehow, the changes are so unfamiliar. It feels like I'm neither here nor there.

I can't say that whatever had gone wrong was none of my fault. I know my shortcomings and sometimes, I really put in effort to put things right. But why is it that no matter how hard I try sometimes, I just can't seem to get it right. I'm so tired. Anyway, my conclusion: If we can't live with each other's faults and just can't be more understanding, we have got to do it the hard way...to make everyone's life simpler.

I hate beating about the bush, so I'm bringing things out into the open. Like it or not, what's next is not at all pleasant. You have a choice. Either close this page or just read on...

Guys, do you know that all of you seem so fake to me?! Even those that I'd trusted so much. I feel so betrayed! Each time I think back on whatever we had shared before, I wonder if those times were for real or was it all a make up too?!
Yes! I'm pissed. Very pissed. I'd obviously demonstrated my displeasure to some of you. But you guys simply take it at face value and refused to face up to fact. Something is obviously wrong but nobody is giving a fuck about it. Are we simply saying that we have changed or should we have the courage to pick up some responsibilities?

I guess the feeling has gone, at least for me; you guys probably had your own dealings. I don't know?! I hate to say this but I'm saying it anyway. Somehow, I don't feel like I belong anymore.

How can I just pretend that nothing has happened when I'm walking around with these so called friends who just forget and so fucking treat me as if I'm non-existent? I can't compel myself to share a table with a bunch of bastards who had so fucking sold me out. And I'm definitely not obliged to stick with people whom I detest as much as they detest me. This sucks.
So take off your hypocritical masks and stop patronizing me. I'm no fool. If you are unhappy, you jolly well speak up and make a stand or just fuck off. if someone was to stand out and clear the air, that would be welcomed, or if you guys choose to keep things this way, there's nothing I can do.
Life sucks.

*if you happen not to like the sound of that, just take that I'm crapping

mE posted at 11:11 AM